Inside the swag bag
that I got as a Cancer Survivor at Relay for Life were two pins for
Caregivers. As I handed my daughter one
Caregiver pin, she asked if I thought she deserved it.
“MK! The only thing wrong with this pin is that it
doesn’t have the correct dates:
2015-2019.”
Caregivers play a
huge role in a cancer victim’s life.
Without the positivity of my husband, I would be constantly living in a
pit of despair. Without my daughter, I
would not have been told “you can do this” which is the nudge I needed when I
was sitting around too much. I would not
have been encouraged to go wigless and bald when my hair started growing back
in. I would not have received the cards, letters, phone calls, and gifts that
indicated people were supporting me on my journey.
Having
caregivers teaches us to be humble.
With all respect to those who feel that they don’t have caregivers, I
learned that you cannot always go it alone; you need help.
Donovan takes on
the role of caregiver when he meets Lynn.
He loves her unconditionally, is willing to be with her for however long
they have together, but he isn’t going to let her get away with her pity
parties. Lynn endures a lot – cancer, a
brain tumor, and eye issues. When she finds out that nothing can be done to fix
her eyes, she decides to wallow in misery. Misery can take you back to wherever
your own self-esteem is most vulnerable. Lynn always resorts to feelings of
being damaged and inadequate for Donovan.
He doesn’t take it.
~
Excerpt
cut from Finding Peace © 2020 Adelyn Zara
“Now go ahead and
have that pity party if you want to; today it’s deserved. But then find that amazing resilience,” he
added. Suddenly his voice was ratcheting up in volume and expression. “You
are alive, Lynn! You are free of cancer.
Your brain tumor was nothing but an awful nuisance! And yes, you have eye
issues. But you are not blind.”
He’s right.
It’s just that this time I can’t get the thing fixed.
“And when you’re done feeling sorry for
yourself,” Donovan said as he merged over a lane, “let’s find somewhere to
eat. I’m hungry.
Sometimes a
caregiver doesn’t know when to leave things alone. In Caring
for You, Bea is faced with a
needy, arrogant ex-husband. She’s also overwhelmed by her business needs, a
mother slipping into dementia, a nasty sister, and an employee who is also
going through the hell of cancer. Although Lynn calls her generous to a fault,
Bea feels like she isn’t doing enough, and all these illnesses weigh her down. But
Sam, the wonderful man who falls into her life, sees it as Over-Caring.
~
From Caring for You, © 2021 Adelyn Zara
“Going to be there for him? Going to be his ‘Savior’?” Sam spit out the
last word. “Is that what you do? Save
everyone? Even ex-husbands?”
~
Sam’s in a unique
place because he’s already been a Caregiver, knows the sacrifices it entails,
and knows how to protect himself.
Personally, I don’t want an overprotective Bea, but I can certainly
appreciate the love that she and Lynn have for one another. I call my best friend just to hear her
soothing voice.
Do you have a best friend like Bea in your life? Or a Donovan who loves you despite your poor
self-esteem and tries to keep you on track.
Or a Sam who sees your flaws, but still cares for you.
And maybe you’ve also
encountered the kind of person who wants to be your caregiver and you aren’t
having it.
“You don’t have any
sisters here, so I’ll be your sister,” someone told me after she learned of my original
diagnosis six years ago. I was immediately
put off by her words. I have SIX amazing
sisters. This woman knew this, knew that I have sister-love in my life. My mother always said that when one of us was
hurting it was like “Sister Alert!” sounded loud and clear. Even though they
live thousands of miles away, they were present in my life, caring. You can’t
become someone’s caregiver if the victim doesn’t want that care.
Then there are the
people who are trying to find a way to salvage an impossible situation. They plan fundraisers or arrange relays because,
like my daughter, they feel helpless. I want to scream “this is about ME!” But,
really, it’s affecting her, too. Allow these people to do help you in this
way. You may not be the benefit of
the research that the American Cancer Association is doing, but if it helps
that caring individual get over their own hurt at what’s happening to you, let
it happen.
So, I pull on my
favorite pink t-shirt for bed, SURVIVOR blazed across the back. Eight of my t-shirts have that word printed
on them. Eight fucking shirts. And swag
bags with useless information and plastic medals inside. That’s why Lynn hates
it so much.
~
From Finding Peace © 2020
Adelyn Zara
She handed Lynn a white shirt with the
same markings as the pink ones but with the word SURVIVOR scrawled across the
back – in pink. . .“And here’s a bag to put your other clothes in.” The word
Survivor screamed out from the cream-colored plastic bag. “Yeah, all you have
to do is get cancer, endure treatment, wear a shirt that singles you out, and
run the gauntlet of over-concerned people in that line.”
~
Wisely, Donovan let her vent at the
end. But I can see where it’s overwhelming. Yes, I want help bring awareness to the
research that’s very much needed to bring an end to this disease. I’ll go, walk, listen to the politicians, and
thank God that I am thriving. But I don’t
need a purple shirt.
On Word & Upward.
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